Resounding Silence

2003-01-11T11:34:00.000-08:00

Shattered silence.

Enigmatic.

Struggling.

2002-11-08T00:24:00.000-08:00

Teach me to do what I know.

2002-10-19T13:46:00.000-07:00

Teach me to want what it is I need.

2002-10-14T23:17:00.000-07:00

Listen. For He speaks.

In the silence, in the waves, in the trees, in spoken word.

Now what I struggle with is for the willingness to obey.

2002-10-14T22:12:00.000-07:00

*dancing in the starlight*

2002-10-14T22:07:00.000-07:00

Thank you, my brother, my sister.

My dear and precious friends, who tirelessly guide me when I wander and direct me when I stray. Those who gently rebuke me when I am wrong and those who firmly teach me when I am at a loss. Those who shower me with kind encouraging words and those who catch me when I fall. And those who allow me to fall, so that I might learn and land in a place that was better than where it was that I started. For those who pray on behalf of my petitions, even when I, myself, am unable to verbalize what it is that I need or should want. For those who will speak the words that I do not want to hear but should listen, for they are words that already lie in my heart that I cannot deny. For simply asking how I am, baking me cookies, walking me back, jamming with me, chatting with me, driving me around, for simply caring for me.

None of this I deserve, yet you lavish upon me.

And so, I still learn of grace.

Grace.

2002-10-03T14:27:00.000-07:00

So a good friends tells me I'm in denial and I wallow in self-pity. Well in words more gentle than that.

*SiGH*

The hardest thing to do is to change the way you think, especially when life has conditioned, toyed, and hardened your psyche.

There are still some things I need to learn to do. Granted, maybe I am too hard on myself, or maybe I'm not. I'm candid, but what does it accomplish?

2002-10-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

Quviering with a desperation to satiate the burning desires of my heart.

As I am dry, Lord, set fire to me. And let what displeases You burn away to cinders. Purify the desires of my heart. I am reaching out to You, struggling and falling. In my heart I know what You tell me is right. You are always pointing me in the right direction, and You always speak to me about what it is that I should do. Yet I struggle with this knowledge that I cannot deny. Knowing what it is that You want, I pray that I will want what You want for me.

Teach me surrender and trust and an abomination of my pride.

Bless unto me a humble, contrite, and teachable spirit. A soft heart, easy for Your hands to mold.

I pray the prayer for brokenness. A bold prayer to pray, a prayer easily and always answered.

My perception needs to be shattered. Refocus it to see what it is You want me to see.
Take the focus from within myself to those around me. The world that aches for you, the people that I love who hurt and search. Give me a boldness to catch those who fall, reach out to those who call for help. Place in my heart a tenderness for those who are lost.

This hardened and calloused heart, Lord. Still work within it.

2002-09-26T10:02:00.000-07:00

I need to flee into the resounding silence before I am consumed by the things of this world.

Self-absorbed, selfish... A shadow of my former self. But then again, what is that self? Constantly flickering...

To stand on the edge and take that leap of faith.

To sink deeper.

Away.

2002-09-26T09:57:00.000-07:00

Storm
by Lifehouse

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I could see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right

2002-09-25T02:16:00.000-07:00

I am falling.

But will I let myself be caught?

For I know I can catch myself.

But maybe I do not want the choice.

And so I still.

Fall.

For there is a certain freedom in falling...

I plead ignorance.

2002-09-25T01:21:00.000-07:00

I drift.

2002-09-20T01:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's easier to just look away and not do anything, under the pretense of ignorance. Or would that be apathy?

To always know. Innocent naivete, never mine to claim. To be conscious of every act, spoken word, thought.. failure, unkept promise, sin. Consequence and choice, to be aware but disguise under layers of indecision and reluctance to bear responsibility yet. Perhaps it is not a disguise, but that is the battle that rages within my humanity. Which I try to deny but to which I always succumb.

To always know. Of pain, loneliness, desperation. Piercing rays that emanate from a person, impossible to feign nonchalance. Eyes haunting, glazed with unshed tears. The eyes are the windowpanes to the soul, revealing and reflecting everything. Personality and strength of character. Untold wars waged and still fought.

With those eyes, to watch as people fall. From a safe distance, afraid to become involved, of feeling the same pain or of failure.

But even falling ends. And once you heal and recover, then you can walk, dance or run. And if you run fast enough, maybe you will...

... soar as though on the wings of eagles.

2002-09-09T01:13:00.000-07:00

Diminish me, so that You might increase.

Let me be as wet clay and impress into me Your fingerprints. Shape me and mold me to be used for Your greatness.

Diminish me. Lessen my self, my pride. My ambitions, my goals, my dreams, my own desires... Me. My faults, my shortcomings. Teach to me to find desipcable and abominable the ways I grieve Your heart.

... so that You might increase. Despite my shortcomings and limitations, You still use me, demonstrating yet again, Your mercy and Your grace. Abounding beyond my finiteness, this temporal state of wretched humanity, might Your glory be revealed.

I don't want to be seen, but only for You to be seen in me.
To be a pure reflection of You, is the cry of my heart.

I anticipate for what comes after this life.

Whereas today may have inconsequential significance in the shadow of eternity, it still acts as a component of it. And what one does or does not do in a day can impact another for the rest of eternity.

My words fail me.

Silence is sufficient when my words are not. For it is then when You can tell me with more than mere words what lies in Your heart.

2002-09-01T01:11:00.000-07:00

A good friend asked me: 'So how did you overcome it?'

Actually she's asked that before, actually about the same account, or the sum of its parts. When she asked me it the first time, I said I just just did, that I realized this and that. But as I consider it yesterday, I realize... maybe I have yet to overcome it.

Because it still pains, does it mean that I am yet unhealed? Hardened, scarred, calloused over, thought impossible to detect pain, yet still so tender.

Impossible to forget, so it is with stoicism I struggle to recount. Impassively, apathetically.

But much danger lies in apathy.

2002-08-28T13:41:00.000-07:00

Trapped in the confines of myself.
I needs be changed.
I need to be broken, shattered, and reformed.

So selfish, so prideful. I need to learn humility and gentleness, to have a soft teachable heart.

What do I really know? Who am I to say I know exactly what it is I want to do, where it is I want to go? Parents having the best of intentions, wanting only the best, yet I am unwilling to completely comply. Struggling to honor and obey, yet a line comes that needs to be crossed.

An identity forged in Christ that I struggle to protect against untruths that I once fell victim to.

Phantoms of the past haunt and taunt me. Of things past that I cannot forget. There is the past of long ago, and then there is of recent, of bittersweet and confusion, of nothing really.

But it is still pain. Why I am being overwhelmed now, I do not know. Is satan trying to shake me, as I strive onwards towards the forever ongoing process of sanctification? Attacking me in terms of the illogical? The irrationality of emotionality. A component of our souls, so necessary, yet at times such a mystery. With it we are assured of the peace of our salvation and with it we understand grace. Yet such a source of feelings unable to be expressed, a battle to comprehend.

With intellect we are given a choice, and it is with volition that we choose. It is only because of love that we are given the freedom of choice. But with choice comes responsibility and consequence.

Right now, I fear choice.

But more than fearing choice or consequence... I pray that I would fear futility more than I fear failure.

2002-07-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

A burning desire for my God... a raging fire that consumes my heart. An appetite whetted, unquenchable, desparate.

2002-07-07T17:37:00.000-07:00

'In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.' Proverbs 16:9

The road forks ahead of me. I turn around, surveying my journey. At times, my footprints are steady and evenly spaced, at other times, they are erratic and wild - hurried slanted steps of rush and panic or the juliant steps of joyous dance. An intricate pattern created, different paths trodden as I pursued what I felt was important to me at that time, what my priorities were at that time.

Now I just stand still. Stung by regret, of misplaced priorities. A gpa that does not reflect my abilities and capabilities but reflects instead my laziness and lack of drive. Business-economics no longer an option, a door closed. Whimiscal dreams and aspirations, not at all sensible or reasonable. Parental wishes considered - obedience vs. independence.

Having tasted of wealth and success, appetite whetted. Ambition for what? Wealth? Success? Prestige? Respect? Reknown?

Dreams and aspirations let loose, only to be fettered to the beating of my heart. Ambitions to be leashed by a desire to glorify my God.

As God was leading Israel to the promised land, He told them, 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.' (Jeremiah 29:11-13) The Israelites have been wandering aimlessly, so close, yet so far away from the land that was once promised to them. And finally, they are embarking on the last legs of the journey, the final stretch, God comforts them with these words.

Likewise, I've wandered aimlessly and far away from where I'm supposed to be. And whereas I want to map out my own future and undo all the damage I've already wreaked, what is done cannot be undone. Every experience can only be cherished and learned from.

All I can do is to stand silent and listen to the resounding silence. And He will show me the way.

2002-06-26T12:33:00.000-07:00

New York was a blast. Great company, great food, great sights. The Met was so awesome - I love 'View of Toledo' by El Greco, as well as 'Cypresses' by Van Gogh. Ground zero was intense, view of the Hudson Bay was amazing. So many great eats as well - strawberry fields forever and the frozen hot chocolate from Serendipity were divine! The cuisine at Nobu was gourmet! Spicy creamy crab was so good! And the tapas, as well as the mojito, from Sabor was fantabulous. Learned how to play bridge, picked up a liking for smoked dutch gouda and crackers, rode the subways, bought things from street vendors, and watched the Lion King. That was fanastic! We got standing tickets, but it was so enthralling my feet didn't get tired at all! It was such an amazing performance, and the set-up was astounding: the sets, costumes, lighting, everything. Gelato, french pastries, new york bagels. Such lengths went we for good food. :) Didn't get to visit the soup nazi though - that's for next time!

2002-06-08T11:07:00.000-07:00

Things are resolved! PRAISE GOD!! For He works even in the hardest of hearts, and for His greater glory. :)

I've been able to smile as I haven't been able to for a really long time. Still needing to be refined, but yes. Things are very good.

To my dear dear friends, I love you so much. Thank you for being so patient with me and seeing me through this. Thank you for your support, your comfort, and your PRAYERS, most of all. You might not have been there to catch the tears that fell, but you were there to pound sense into my head, to let me know when enough was enough, to tell me to do what I already knew I needed to do. Thank you for your gentleness and love. Your gentle support and your gentle rebukes. I love you all. SO MUCH.

So sometimes I'm a little dark, eh? Light pierces through darkness. I am dark at times. All people are so. Even the most cheerful and brightest of people have their moments. And honestly, yes perhaps I have been excessively dark as of recent, circumstances permitting. But it will be something that I will work on, but I will not put on a face. There will not be a masquerade, for the sake of myself and for those around me. I will never cease to be true or real - that is something that refuse to compromise simply because it is a facet of who I am. So granted, there will be times when I will be dark, maybe even very dark, but there will still be times when the light from within will shine though. Sometimes, it is in times of darkness I retreat inside, and it is there where I will find my peace and my light. It is only shrouded and protected from the world deep inside, where nothing can touch it. In such things I take comfort. Things that are eternal and constant, faithful and true. The character of God.

2002-06-01T02:09:00.000-07:00

Prayer is powerful. So mighty. Yet you realize even more just how powerful it is when you witness the effects of the lack thereof.

I have been so wrapped up in myself, so self-absorbed, that I have failed to pray for the many that I usually do on such a regular basis.

I am so sorry. I am sorry that I had to become convicted at my lack at your expense. *much grieved* Not that I'm saying that it is only my prayer that makes all things hunky dory, but that the absolute lack thereof bears consequence. "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galations 6:2. Let's share our burdens, make the loads a little lighter, and let's lift them up together, with prayer and petition, to God. The most reliable method of delivery, to the most reliable source of love, mercy, comfort, and truth.

As for my own burden right now, my burden of bitterness, I have shared with my close friends, and so we pray. But I am still unwilling to let go. Surrender and trust vs pride in my self-sufficiency. Forgiveness and mercy vs. self-righteouness and hypocrisy. Love vs. bitterness and hate. I cling to supposed principality. A self-righteous anger at percieved lack of integrity, empty words, empty in that they do not bear merit or weight, or integrity in that actions do not reflect thus expressed desires. Anger at wanton actions committed without thought to consideracy. But when all these supposed wrong-doings are committed out of ignorance, what right do I have to even be angry? Who am I to be a judge of integrity? Hypocrite! So fustrated at myself. Amazed at the patience of my friends. But even their's is beginning to wear away.

There is no reason. No rationale for the reason I feel as I do. No reason to cling as I do.

Searching for the lesson. Obviously I'm terribly lacking in the capacity to love and exercise forgiveness and mercy. Having received mercy and grace so lavishly, undeservingly... Why is it that I struggle so to practice it? Why am I so selfish?

But something more. Something more. Or is it simply that?

Such a difficult student I am to teach. So hardheaded and stubborn. A heart so calloused over, thought impossible to draw blood, pierced, disappointed, and disillusioned in a hope that didn't even truly exist. A heart so well guarded already becomes all the more wary and watchful. A faltering faith in humanity wavers even more.

A good friend tells me to let the actions and words be held accountable to God, as well as my own actions and words.

Trust and faith. Trust in God's sovereignty and in His justice and in His vengence. Faith that all things will be all right in the end because they will be perfect - executed via God's sovereignty.

A broken bone heals and is stronger at the site of the fracture than it was previously. I have to be willing to be healed.

Slowly yet surely will I heal. Slowly. Slowly..

2002-05-27T23:40:00.000-07:00

Resolution yet unreached because I am still unsure about what exactly it is that needs to be resolved.

So yet I continue to struggle. It is not as difficult as it was before, but it is not yet done.

Still being refined, still waiting to reach a point that where it is better than where I started.

2002-05-22T00:30:00.000-07:00

Lessons still being learned. Of love, of surrender, of trust, of faith.

The boundaries drawn around us that makes us human.

Limitations only to be stretched by a God of impossibility.

Life as I know it.

'Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.'

Philippians 3:13b-14

Sanctification. A struggle to reach a point that is beyond our grasp.

More and more I realize how far away I am. The limited faculties of my being cannot vault across the chasm of depravity towards righteousness. Gingerly, I walk on the sturdy bridge built by Christ. Sometimes I jump, run, skip, and dance. Other times I walk slowly. Sometimes, I just need to stop completely. I stop and sit with my feet dangling over the edge. I look down, I look back, and I look ahead. Then I swing my feet back up and start again. Nothing can shake me or throw me off. Fixated on things eternal and constant, faithful and true. The goodness, lovingness, and righteousness of God.

Right now I'm standing still. With my arms outstretched. In this silence I stand. And I know that He is God.

And then I'll take off running, so that I might fly as though on the wings of eagles.

2002-05-18T21:16:00.000-07:00

To my close friends:

Thank you for being patient with me. It must have been really fustrating dealing with me. Sorry, but it'll take a little more time. Time and a lot of distance, but I'll get to a place that was better than where I started.

To my God:

Thank you for this experience. For revealing unto me that I so lack the capacity to love, that I am locked within the finite capacities of my limitations. For having patience with your servant, who is still falling miserably short of the mark. For listening to my endless cries, the repeated prayer. For discretion and the ability to percieve beyond the surface, and even the hope that I clung to that was dashed to pieces, the disappointment inevitable, yet even for that hope that caused so much pain. I thank you for the wonderful brothers and sisters you've blessed me with - such unending sources of advice, support, and prayer. Forgive me, Lord, for not loving as You have loved me, for not lavishing grace as You have lavished upon me, and also for those times I did lack discretion and heeded not the advice of those wiser than I. Thank You for Your word that You use so effectively to convict me - speaking so sharply and clearly, piercing the veil of confusion. Again, I plead Lord, take from me what I will not give unto You. Take it, Lord. Pry my fingers from it, unwrap my heart from it. Help me to focus on You, Lord. Your eternity and constancy, your faithfulness and truth. Thank you for the power of prayer, and the many many brothers and sisters who have interceded and uttered them on my behalf.

I'm still struggling, Lord. I thank You for trials - purify my heart and motives with a raging fire - burn away all things that are displeasing to You. Don't give up on me yet - I cry out to You again - change the condition of my heart and let it be pleasing to You. Protect me from becoming jaded and wary.

Thank you for the hope that I have in You. Everything will be just right in the end - empty me and use me for Your glory.

I pray for blessings for everyone involved - be our center, protect us, guard us, and guide us.

Please have patience with me. Your mercy, love, and grace - let it continue to absorb the silly tears that fall, let it be the source of my peace, let it be my comfort and my joy.

2002-05-16T23:43:00.000-07:00

I'm still struggling.

2002-05-13T10:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging because I've been feeling the same things and it would be terribly redundant.

But I've been sharing with people, partially to ask for advice, although not really, but more because I need prayer. I desparately need prayer - I'm not going to be able to overcome this with my own strength or willpower. I'm aware that this is a lesson in love - how easy it is to love those that it is easy to love, how difficult it is to love those that are not. So lacking am I in my capacity to love, so conditional. I talk to people not to ask for justification or to rationalize - it's not something that I can make sense of and I am not looking for justification on my behalf. Maybe even justification on the other's behalf, but not my own. My feelings are totally illogical and irrational - there is no basis for them, yet they exist. And so consumed is my soul by them, that they have progressed onto affecting my physical body. I can't even really verbalize what it is I feel. Many tears are shed - not i'm-sorry tears, not i'm-sad tears... upset tears? Definitely disappointed tears. Hurt tears? Maybe. Confused tears? Possibly. My heart will burn and my stomach will churn. I'll get dizzy and nauseous. Sometimes angry. But I'm usually angered at my own reaction. I'm really grieved by the condition of my heart. I'm being so dumb.

Why does this situation bother me so much? The principality of it. But I have not been wronged. Nothing has been directly done to me. I'm merely a bystander and a symptom of its effects. Maybe I was too idealistic. Perhaps I'm being too judgemental.

I'm also concerned. Sure, we all desire certain things. But to desire such things and pursue such things so relentlessly... that concerns me. Without concern to surrounding people, without thought of consequences or repercussions. That reckless abandon concerns me because it demonstrates a lack of discernment and consideration. Especially consideration.

Is ignorance an excuse? And if it is... How long does one let ignorance be an excuse?

And I ask... How can one be so unaware? But it's so possible to be so completely oblivious, lacking discernment and discretion.

And now you ask... Why don't you say anything? And if you can't say anything, why don't you ask someone else to say something for you? Why don't you distance yourself from the souce? Or you can say: You can't keep running away from it, you have to deal with it.

I don't say anything because I don't want to be a hindrance to a possible good thing. Because I think there is a slight slight chance of something good happening. While there is a small chance of something happening, I just want the pieces to fall as they may - I'm not going to try to catch anything or move a piece over to where I think is a better spot. And I'm non-confrontational. I am distancing as desparately as I can. And I don't know how to deal with it. Simply because it is so illogical and irrational. My emotions have no foundation, no reason to exist.

Obviously, I'm confused... if that's even the word for it.

2002-05-07T20:38:00.000-07:00

Message in a bottle...
Cry for help...

Shifting sands...
Memories past...

Enveloped in a velvet darkness...
A ray of hope pierces despair...

a work in progress...

2002-05-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

I rarely blog in the morning.

For the past... month and a half, well for much longer than that, actually, I've been eating little and sleeping little. I get into these little funks every now and then, but this one seems to be particularly longer than most. Being such a food connoisseur of sorts, I know that must be hard to believe, and although I still love to eat, sometimes I really have to make myself eat to just eat. Not all the time, but sometimes.

For a long time, I've been struggling with... a bitterness of sorts, if what it is I feel can be expressed as bitterness, or at least an offshoot of it is bitterness. It is also disappointment and disillusionment. Maybe even a little bit a pride - who am I to be disappointed in the actions of others? Just because I would have reacted differently to a certain situation, and how thought some people should have acted, doesn't make me a better person. I shouldn't be so disappointed and hurt by their actions.

But I am. I had more faith in humanity, more trust in human consideracy and loyalty. I thought people held others to a certain regard and would be more considerate in what they did, however what transpired did and does not suprise me. Perhaps my expectations were too lofty and idealistic. Who am I to impose or judge another by my standards. What do my standards account to anyway? Nothing really. Also, who am I to judge? Who am I to tell my sister or my brother that they have a little speck of sawdust in their eye, while I have a gigantic beam in my own? By which measure I judge others, God will also judge me by that standard.

Ah. The condition of my heart grieves me so much. And more than it grieves me, how much more it must grieve my God?

It's ineffable. There is no reason to be so consumed or so disappointed. No reason to shed so many hurting tears of diappointment.

But to feel so much bitterness, anger, disappointment - I am so unused to it. Ah. I struggle to put aside my pettiness and to love. A cracked hardened heart that still oozes.

So many different mornings, I've woken up disappointed. So many empty afternoons I've allowed myself to be consumed by bitterness and hurt. So many nights, I've cried fustrated and disappointed tears. Too many times, simple generic interaction with, or even the mere thought or sight of, some people provoked a sudden spike in blood pressure or a tactless word incurred a self-righteous anger. Self-righteous. Who am I to consider myself to be self-righteous?!?

Ah. I cry again today. Because I am saddened by the condition of my heart.

Oh Lord, please hear the cry of your servant. Please oh please hear it. Please answer my prayer so that I might be blessed. The refuge of peace that I feel when I retreat within and am solely with you, oh Lord, let me feel that same peace even when I interact with these people. Hold my tongue, may it not wag loosely. Break my heart and change it into something more pleasing to You. Ah, I hate these feelings that wrestle within me - take them away. The crushing disappointment, the hurt, the sadness... but even more, those that are more foreign to me, take those far away - the hot anger and bitterness.

How much longer, Lord, will I disappoint You?

2002-04-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

Character. What does it mean to you?

To me, it means intrinsic qualities, deeply rooted in a person, revealed and reflected through their interactions with other people. Pure, not contaminated by ulterior motives or self-seeking intent.

Integrity. With it there is no need for you to justify your actions to other people.

Generosity. Giving what you can because you have it to give. To give simply to give, without the remote expectation of anything in return.

Leadership. To lead with integrity, discernment, and sensitivity. Integrity, to be pure in conduct and above reproach. Discernment, to be wise and thoughtful in your decisions, fully aware of the consequences that may occur and willing to bear full responsibility for them. Sensitivity, to be sensitive to the needs of those around you.

Humility. To have a soft teachable heart and gentleness. Not allowing pride to consume you or be the dictator of your actions.

Servanthood. To exercise the privilege to be able to use your talents and abilities to serve others. To simply serve bodily. To serve simply to serve. Quietly.

I've been investigating and questioning character. My lack thereof and desparate need for.

My crushing disappointment in the conspicuous lack thereof in some other people. They cause me to question, in a plaintive cry: What is character?

2002-04-24T01:08:00.000-07:00

How much pain, grief, confusion, bitterness, or anger can one swallow before they cannot take anymore?

And how much more grief does my God need to take from me?

I plead the prayer for brokeness. A bold prayer to pray, a prayer readily answered.

Break my pride, my stubborness, my selfishness.

I beg. On my knees. With tears streaming down my face.

This heart is only Yours.

Purify it.
Sanctify it.
Break it.
Mold it.
Make it.
Consume it.

2002-04-21T01:22:00.000-07:00

A character from a tv show once said, 'Do you ever wish you could hit the rewind button and take back what you just did?' Then someone answers, 'Of course, all the time.'

I beg to differ. I strongly believe all things happen for a reason, a good reason, even if we can't fathom to understand it when it occurs. At the very least, if it will teach you anything, the experience would have taught one to empathize with another. The human soul is painted with a broad spectrum of sensations - of emotions, colors, and tastes. One cannot really understand how another truly feels about a situation, unless they've experienced it themselves. Granted, one can imagine and feel as though they know, but they most likely will not be able to feel the full breadth and weight of it.

I've been told, 'You grew up too fast, Jen.' This is spoken by people who don't even know me intimately, deeply, and know of my past, of my life, of the experiences that compose the person that I am now. These are my close good friends, but even among them, very very very few know 'my story.' A story that I've begun to share in pieces since coming to college, a deeply personal story I am hesitant to share because the contents are not of a... happy-go-lucky nature, to say the least. A lot of different experiences, but none which I would undo or take back, or even for another person to have experienced, never, simply because they make who I am now.

But tonight, as I spent some time with some friends, one friend in particular stood out to me. Granted she always has, but tonight, I felt contrasted against her. She is so beautiful, so bright, so pure, so innocent, so happy. She smiles so much, and she can think are happy thoughts. I felt so... jaded, old, dark, stained, impure, ugly. A stab of reminiscence, a rememberance of brief moments of time when I felt for myself what she is like. But few and far between were those moments. And so for a brief moment I considered... if only my life had been different, I would not be as jaded as I am now. But joy tastes all the more sweeter after having endured the pain, just as light pierces the darkness. You cannnot come to truly appreciate one end of the spectrum if you haven't experienced it's counterpart.

I'm like a crystal, flicking in the light. Some facets shine brightly, others are cast in shadow. Sparkling of dazzling colors, of light, of darkness is the person that I am. Too many flaws, but that only creates the potential for growth.

I'll say it again. Enduring today knowing that yesterday happened to make for a better tomorrow.

2002-04-16T23:26:00.000-07:00

*dance dance dance dance dance*

*grin*

2002-04-10T23:56:00.000-07:00

I just want my friends to be happy. I want things to go so well for them. But at the same time, everyone needs to grow. Painful it is at the moment, but it is always good. Even before hindsight, it is always good. It's only when you've lost everything, you've been completely broken, and you can't even stand on your own two feet, that's finally when God can pick you up, dust you off, comfort you, love you, fix you, and grow you. The desparation with which I cling to God is what I treasure about enduring trials. The comfort of knowing His presence, the secure embrace of His arms, the warmth of His love. The loyalty and faithfulness of chasing after me as I dash off, and the tenderness and gentle reproof of His discipline as He tends to my wounds and helps me back up to my feet and points me to the right direction.

Although so many of my friends may hurt and may suffer, and as much as I may grieve for them - I am hopeful and excited for them, for they are being refined to become even more like my God, becoming even more precious and beautiful.

Just know that you are so precious to me, so special, and that I love you so much. I am continuously praying for you, and I am so encouraged by the way He changes and molds you into such a beautiful creation.

My heart is as yours

I will share the tears that fall.
I will shed the tears you will not.

I will hear the words you do not speak.
I will lack the right words to say.

But I will love you.
You are my brother, my sister, and you are precious to me.

2002-04-07T15:34:00.000-07:00

Renewal and growth follow pain. They are partners, working to refine the beautiful creation that is yourself.

Enduring today knowing that yesterday happened to make for a better tomorrow.

2002-04-02T00:05:00.000-08:00

Are you okay?

That question was asked to me at least by four different individuals yesterday. I wonder why.

Turn a crystal in the light. As each facet catches the light, it reflects it, refracting at a certain angle, reflecting a certain specific wavelength of light, revealing a specific color. Chances are as that one facet reflects one color, the ones surrounding it also get hit by the same beam of light, but being at different angles, there is an explosion of color and light, and the reflected light shoots off in a dazzling array.

People are the same. Not uni-dimensional or single-faceted, but beautiful, deep, rich.

I love beautiful people.

YOU are beautiful. :)

2002-03-29T23:54:00.000-08:00

So many things to change about myself.

Just realized, I am bitter. Bitterness, a hard heart, stubborn, prideful, lazy.

So many things that displease my God.

Still more.

When?!? When will I finally be refined?!? When will I please Him?!?

When will I let go? When will I forgive? When will I relent?

Have patience, and still more patience, with me, oh Lord.

I'm just terribly hard-headed and stupid.

2002-03-29T23:23:00.000-08:00

Things that I consider beautiful:

Laughter is golden. It twinkles and sparkles.

Green pastures with sprinklings of lavendar and orange flowers. So serene.

Newly tilled and furrowed earth. So symmetrical, so perfect. The sunlight hits the furrows - resulting in shadowing one side and illuminating the other. So much potential for growth. So perfect. Mysterious.

Smiles. Beauty and kindness both emanate from within.

Singing. Reflecting the shrill vibrato of joy, the depth of mourning, the pain of grief. Just so pure and beautiful.

Silence. Dark. Mysterious. Constant. All-encompassing. Swirls, yet is still.

2002-03-23T14:38:00.000-08:00

Be still, and know that I am God...

Pslam 46:10a

Why it is my silence resounds.

It's been so long since I've gone out to be completely alone with my God. Even though my soul burned so, I just let it smoulder. Ineffable - the burning, gnawing, all-consuming, insatiable hunger that griped me and still continues to prey on me.

Passion.
Pleasure.
Depth.
Maturity.

These are the things I seek. A passion akin to that of King David's - an overwhelming desire to pursue the heart that is of God. '... I [King David] will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes…' (2 sam. 6:21b-22a) Without regard to the judgement of man. A pleasure that comes from being assured that He is pleased with me and a reassurance from knowing that I am made complete through the sacrifice made by His son. Depth. The ability to percieve beyond what is presented, beyond the surface. The ability to think and communicate beyond superficiality. I yearn for depth. I am yet so immature, so unlearned, so undisciplined, so uni-dimensional. So confined to the parameters of my mind. Maturity, the never-ending quest for wisdom.

Why my God has so much patience with me, I cannot fathom. How He steadily continues to guide me and walk beside me despite my resistance or weaknesses boggles my mind. I stride ahead of him, or I'm clutching for his heels. I stumble and fall into a heap. Yet He is always there, never abandoning me. That is what grace is. We are so undeserving and yet there is nothing more that we can do but to accept because it is offered to us.

That is what is so amazing about grace.

2002-03-21T01:18:00.000-08:00

Worlds Apart

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high, and like Icharus
I collide

With a world I try so hard
To leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
To give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce
The skin of one who loves
More deeply than the ocean
More abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch
The blood and water flow

To love you-take my world apart
To need you-I am on my knees
To love you-take my world apart
To need you-broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst the remains of life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need
And what I believe
Are worlds apart

And I pray

To love you-take my world apart
To need you-I am on my knees
To love you-take my world apart
To need you-broken on my knees
on my knees

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remains
More and more I need you now
I owe you more each passing hour
Battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
Wash the feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
The sin-soaked heart and make it yours
Take my world all apart
Take it now, take it now

To serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to know
Fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
Wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remain

So steal my heart and take my pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart, take my world apart

I pray,and I pray, and I pray
Take my world apart
Worlds apart

~Jars of Clay

2002-03-18T01:58:00.000-08:00

Why is this heart so jaded? During worship this past Friday night, I realized... It's been too long since I've experienced pure joy. I realized... I am so jaded. But why? Why am I so hard and so cynical? Why am I so afraid of good things happening to me?

I walk the middle road, neither looking up nor down, right nor left. Not stopping to smell the flowers or admire the scenery. Focused straight ahead. What is the destination? I am unsure. I walk that road because it is safe. There runs no risk of pricking my finger on a thorn from stopping to smell a rose and feel it's delicate softness. No detour or getting sidetracked from admiring the lacy sillhouette of the trees against the sky.

The question is: will it be worth it? Is it worth never experiencing the joys and pain that come with these experiences? Is it better to have never felt anything, than to long and lament for what is past? Will it be worth it? To miss out on what could have been because I am too afraid of what hasn't even come to be?

2002-03-14T02:44:00.000-08:00

I cry tonight, these tears that I thought I had forgotten to shed.

Tears well from a heart overcome by a separation that spans beyond time and distance.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.
It's not even melancholy or anger. Merely a stupid sadness.

Funny how I always thought I wouldn't be bitter or jaded despite my experiences.
Lofty ambition. Vain conceit.
I'm only human.

And I will shed my tears tonight in defiance.
Because I am weak.

And He is strong.

Shake the ground I stand on.
Break my heart.

Make me whole again.

Heal me.
Make me.
Mold me.
Consume me.

2002-03-09T01:19:00.000-08:00

Sensitivity. The ability to sense 'aura'. The intangibles that project from a person, illuminating their hidden emotions.

The eyes are the windowpanes of the soul. Clear and strikingly transparent. However, sometimes one can just sense what a person is feeling without having looked into their eyes. That is sensing aura.

How sensitive are you to the 'aura' of those around you, to those that are close to you? And how often to you act on your gut feeling and call them on it? In the recent past, I have been guilty of neglecting those who I knew were fully in need of caring for, simply because I was selfish. Just as I sense what they feel - I am also overcome by it, engulfed and consumed. I would hesitate to say it, but maybe even more so then they will feel, or more so than they will express. The tears they refuse to fall I will so easily shed. I simply let them be because I was hesitant to expose myself to whatever they are feeling. Some people I am sensitive enough to feel it through physical walls - even if they are in the next room. These are the people I love and care for deeply. And for them, I will always be there. Maybe sometimes eventually, but I will always be there, praying for them, constantly. And when things are good, I still pray for them. Simply to give thanks for them, for they are blessings to me.

I received a present today. A good friend got me a splenda betta. It is a he. He's a little sickly colored, so I'm going to nurse him back to vibrant red and blue colors. I have temporarily named him 'Fishy.' Thank you. *SMILE*

2002-03-06T00:21:00.000-08:00

Pain. So many different types. Reminiscing. Mourning. Piercing. Stabbing. Spiritual, mental, physical. Metaphysical.

But pain brings healing. Healing brings new growth. Growth reveals a beautiful new creation.

A good friend once told me, the silversmith does not stop refining the silver until he sees a reflection of himself in it. God continually sets us to the fire, refining us, burning away the impurities until we shine of His reflection. A brillance that overpowers our countenance, a shadow of our former selves. Pure and holy.

God walks along side you. The question is... Are you keeping up with His pace? Step for step, do your strides match His? Or are you running up from behind, clutching at His heels, falling over? Or are you walking up ahead, defiantly shaking off His outreached hand? He is with you always. He walks besides you. He picks you up and holds you when you've fallen. He patiently and gently leads you to the right way. Stop for a second. Listen to the condition of your heart. Where are you now?

Right now I think I've stood still. I'm listening. I'm soaking in His majesty. My heart needs to heal. From so much, even still, even if so much time has passed already, and I've thought about it so much. A heart so scarred and hardened, so afraid to become soft and vulnerable. Afraid.

2002-03-05T02:01:00.000-08:00

'I feel that even if there were someone who tried to get closer to you, you'd ultimately push them away because you have conditioned yourself to accept being alone'
-observation made by a friend

Funny how certain 'lines' are standing out to me nowadays.

Maybe because they are true.

But I just don't know what to do.

'Maybe you're just afraid something good will happen to you'
- line from 'she's all that'

Maybe I am...

2002-03-02T03:03:00.000-08:00

To surrender. Is it giving up? Is it just letting go, scratching it out, leaving the pieces to fall as they might?

I'm trying, and the progress is painfully slow. Almost nonexistent, or maybe it is, and I'm just deceiving myself into thinking that there is some. Or I'm just unwilling to let it go, to let it go free. Relationship, friendships - so complex, these things that involve people and feelings. It would be ignoble to hold onto something when instead it ought to be released. It'd be dreadfully selfish.

To surrender would be to give it up. To leave it in hands that are much more capable than my own - hands that are much stronger, much more knowing. To give it to my God, who knows all things and allows all things to happen to further His glory. I would not be scratching it up to fate, luck, or chance - in such things I do not believe. I believe in my awesome God's sovereignty, in His loving goodness, in His prevailing will.

Piercing pain. Shattered hope.

Sometimes you need to lose some things in order to gain better things.

Some things will always be good. Even when they pass, they will still be good. They will always be worth it.

2002-02-27T23:21:00.000-08:00

I want to dance in the moonlight tonight.

2002-02-26T09:32:00.000-08:00

Past pains, present complexities, unwelcome memories.

I miss the simple life. But if I really think about it - life is hardly ever that simple. There is always some sort of drama going on, as mild as it may be. Last night I was flooded with unwelcome memories of what had happened to me in the past. Actually it was spurred on by a memory. Once I had blacked out, and in blacking out, I fell into a brief unconscious state. I had fallen into a black cottony softness. Just as quickly I was jolted out into that state, I was jolted out of that state. There were circumstances around that situation that reminded me of many others, but there are many times I long for that feeling again. It was void, empty, far, dark, black, soft, safe. I know I used repetitious words to describe what it felt like, but I chose them for effect. It was far away from my problems, far away from harsh reality, far away from pain. It was not like sleep. I was fully aware that I had lost consciousness, released from the present reality.

I tire of drama, funky dynamics, complicated relationships. I cry for things lost, things gone, things that will never be recovered. A shattered innocence, arising in recognizing reality too young. I've seen, tasted, and felt so much. A heart that has been so scarred, so hardened - it is suprising to me that I would still be affected by the things of yesteryear. I would think that one would have to stab deeply to draw blood, but suprisingly enough, it doesn't take much.

My so-called life. I think it would suprise you to know it all. But if you did, it would explain the person that I am today. As I've said before, I would not undo anything. Nothing.

My confidence in people is slipping again (indicative of the thought of not needing anyone). I think I need to go for another walk tonight. Alone. To be overwhelmed by the resounding silence, yet again.

2002-02-24T19:28:00.000-08:00

I love solitude. I love listening to the resounding silence and being overcome. Swept away without any words to express what I had experienced.

Tonight is a beautiful night.

What is the condition of my heart tonight? I keep getting blitzed with melancholy, and I don't understand it. Sometimes I crave solitude. Rarely I'll feel like being around people, but then I will leave once I had been with them for a short time. I go through these spasmic episodes, where I'll just put my all into the relationships around me, or other times when I think I just don't need people. I just think I can stand on my own - why invest in people, when in life, the one thing that has the ability to affect you the most is a relationship? Be it that it is broken or lost, or someone disappointed you or let you down, or that someone betrayed you or was disloyal?

Recently, a good friend encouraged me to 'heal' or 'fix' a relationship of mine that was dear and precious, but it has been dashed to pieces. I still don't what inspired my crazy friend to make me initiate, and I don't know why I listened and did it. In my heart, I have little hope for anything. I don't understand clearly yet why exactly it was so severed. I know it will take so much time, considering we are both very stubborn individuals. The realist and cynic in me is hardened of any chance of reconciliation, nor will the relationship ever return to the it was. But this friend tells me... wasn't it worth it? Isn't it still worth it to work on it?

To acquire any thing that is of value involves risk. Risk of investing and not coming out with anything to account for your effort. I am a compulsive and indulgent individual, and not much of a risk taker. I guard my heart too well and I protect myself too well to be hurt by something as... capricious as taking a risk, although by my definition, a risk is not a capricious thing.

Risk? Do I value it? It was worth it, and I haven't yet decided if it is still worth it. The hurt overshadows hope. I will wait. I will do as I do, invest a little here and there. I feel as the situation is one-sided, and that only I feel as though something was lost, and that something is not right. Which is a total possibility. If that is the case, maybe I'm just stupid and foolish to even try. This heart can only take so much. But I guess in that way - I am taking a risk.

It's been a long time since I've gone out for a walk, a real long solitary walk. Perhaps I shall stroll tonight.

2002-02-22T00:37:00.000-08:00

I love my family and friends. I love them for loving me and caring for me more than I will for myself. I love them because they are precious. Every single person I love, I love for too many different reasons. I love them for rebuking me, laying the smackdown, and setting me back on the right path. I love them for being frank and honest, for being beautiful, for being wonderful. You are special to me, for so many reasons. I love you.

2002-02-21T00:36:00.000-08:00

I tremble before the holiness of God. My soul trembles within the physical limitations of this body. I cover my face in fear and shame. But my heart takes comfort in His grace. His sufficient grace. Nothing else will do. Nothing else is enough. Nothing can pay for it. The free gift of eternal life with Him. Grace.

I love sitting on the shoreline, listening to the pounding surf, overwhelmed by the majesty that is of God. Being absolutely still - and knowing that He is God. Straining to hear a string of the melody of angels as they worship, in spirit and truth. The mighty crashing of the waves, the pristine silence of the night sky, the piercing twinkle of the stars. Or gazing up at the stars, in the mountains, in the freeze of winter. Resounding silence. Have you heard it?

2002-02-19T21:58:00.000-08:00

I would never undo anything that has happened in my life. Everything that has ever happened, has taught me something, shaping my being, rending my heart to feel and experience things that allow me to feel what someone else is feeling. Everyone has been through much, doubtless, but I feel that I've been through a little more than most others. Sometimes I struggle with not making the most of what has happened to me - as a result of my experience, I feel I ought to be more... wise and deep, experienced in reaching out to others, a giver of good advice, and compassionate, but that I lack in these things. Well, not all of them, but most of them.

I am in a melancholy mood right now. Something that has been happening more and more as of late. Reflecting on past events, a lost relationship, a rash decision, my life in general. I think I can be too headstrong, and I know that I lack tack. I need to acquire more gentleness, maybe even submissiveness. Sometimes I wish I had an Aaron like Moses had - someone to formulate all my thoughts into words, to translate my intentions into gentle conversation. I have a tendency to interject - to strike out like crack in a smooth mirror. Just as the image is shattered into a million fragments, my words shoot out in all directions, despite preparation.

Looking back, it's usually not what I've done that I regret, as much as the things that I didn't do. I've noticed that sometimes, I am very afraid of good things, and that I have a tendency to push them away. I don't expect you to understand. If I could just try to put it into words... it's that I feel that I don't deserve them. But I'm learning to accept, and accept graciously. I admit - especially since self-sufficiency is something that I struggle with - that sometimes still I might not, but I think I'm growing. It's probably a part of the insecurity issue.

I guess I'm still learning to live past some of the decisions I've made. And I fear the decisions I might have made in recent. Free will allows us to make decisions. With decisions come consequences. And sometimes, just sometimes, consequences suck. But in the end, the very end, everything is always right. Why? Because I don't believe in luck or chance. I believe in God's sovereignty. And it is good.

2002-02-19T09:13:00.000-08:00

A question that a good friend had asked me was: "What is the condition of your heart?" And it was then that I realized that I wasn't letting myself to really know, and it was then that I was struck with what it was that my heart felt. I realized that it was something that I did quite often, something that we all must do quite often - to protect ourselves from feeling pain, was to hide the condition or deny my heart's condition. It is something that I am usually careful with, because when you numb yourself to pain or joy, it is so easy to slip into apathy. And personally for myself, apathy is a dangerous place to slip into. So as of late - I've let down the walls, and I'm feeling the full spectrum of my soul - and I weep, laugh, reminisce... ache, cry, and smile for joy.

And then another question another good friend (you'll notice that all my friends, are 'good' friends - of course they are!) asked me was: "You know there are times in your life when you feel life is pointless. What do you do to get out of it?" And I said, what I do is I simply remember, why it is we are here, why it is we were created. It is simply to gloify God and to enjoy Him, forever and forever. To worship Him. And that is enough reason for me. Also, if anything, I am exceedingly precious to one person out there, the ulitmate person, if you could restrict this being to a 'person' - God. If anything, this ultimate 'buff' God (something a good friend told me about last night), can lift you from the depths of apathy, despair, and that abyss you've dug yourself into. *smile* True that!

Something that I need to work on, is being more secure in myself. I'm quite an insecure person. Haha. I smile at something my good lady friend, Jane K., once told me, but yeah, it's definitely something I need to work on. Because in my head - I know that I'm complete through Christ, and that God has made me as He did, perfect in His eyes. Not to say that I'm flawless, because man oh man, that list will never end. But simply to be secure in Him, about myself, about everything. My heart needs to believe it, with complete unwavering conviction.

God is good. I love the word good - simply because it describes the character of God. And good it is. So good. Awesome. *smile*

2002-02-16T21:54:00.000-08:00

It is against my nature to journal. Maybe it's because I feel that my words are insufficient to describe how I feel. Or maybe it's because I don't want a written record of my personal thoughts to exist. Journaling has crossed my mind more as of recent, because I am so aware of my inadequacy to express myself. Being able to clearly communicate one's thoughts is an important skill to have. So at the beckoning of a good friend, and the desire to grow, I shall begin to record my random musings, and so allowing you as the readers, to fathom a glimpse into my being. Being the person that I am - I promise it will always be painfully honest and true. So now, lend your eyes, ears, and hearts, and listen to the resounding silence that roars through my being. It will merely be an effort to put into words what I see, hear, and feel.